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Wondering who I am?

This is the post excerpt.

My name’s Raquel and I’m 25. But not just your average 25 year old in today’s society. By no means I am wealthy, or come from money, I’ve been working since I was old enough to know right from wrong. I attempted college about 5 times but somehow manage to drop out when I realized I couldn’t work as much as I wanted to. But who cares about the minor stuff. I have a 4 year who lives with his dad, a multitude of get rich quick ideas I’ve failed at, and long list of bad relationships. But now, I’m attempting to find who I truly am and not the person people want me to be. To wear the badge of a mother who doesn’t live with her child. And to somehow become successful without a college degree (in 2017 it maybe easier said then done) . This blog is mainly here to empower others that these labels I may wear, the burdens I carry, doesn’t make me any less of an amazing human being than the girl who has got it all together.  I enjoy fancy dates, going to nice restaurants and having things. And one day I can conquer the world. But this is just the beginning of my story.

Stay tuned. This is only the beginning. 

Let’s change the the subject…

Sometimes I like to step out the box and blog about things other than myself. I wanted to take a moment and be like everyone else and talk about this Blac Chyna vs The World drama going on.

If you haven’t heard Rob decided to air out Blac Chyna’s dirty laundry and show the world what we already knew about her. Difference this time is, he seemed super butt hurt that someone he cared about, could possibly move on or rather just drop him like a hot potato. This is the mother of his child, we all knew exactly what was up when they went public, and truthfully to me, they seemed like your average ratchet couple; girlfriend has anger issues from past situations and boyfriend has insecurity issues.

None of that really phases me, until he gets down to fuck-boy level and decides to let it all out because he sees her with someone else. I know more than a handful of girls this has happened to the moment they’re ex realizes they’ve moved on. So why do all these women feel like she’s a hoe? I’m pretty sure oh or your home girl has sent a guy a nude and he showed it to all his friends. Only difference is, the entire world isn’t waiting and hoping you fail. Rob suffers with mental health issues as do I , but I’m not running around screaming I’m a savage and intentionally hurting those around me.

The main thing is, majority of women have been in the middle of some drama involving multiple men, maybe a leaked nude, or dealt with someone who really wanted to destroy you. But I’m begging you America, let it go. Unless you somehow plan on showing all these “savages” that trying to destroy someone you once loved/the mother of your child is not the way to go… just let it be.
For the record can someone tell who raised these boys?

After a hiatus, I’m Back

I know I have a tendency to go missing from time to time, but this time its so different. I took the time to truly get my life together, get my own place and get back on my feet. So, I worked myself into the ground to get my new apartment, a car and to attempt to get my relationship back on track. After roughly 3 months of 50 hour weeks, I was able to buy a car, that seemed to need a lot more work, than I had hoped for and a small apartment to call my own. Next was seeing if I could somehow convince this guy to give up his life in Atlanta and try something new here in Jersey. I had been feeling as if my life had finally come together, but not everything that glitters is gold. Maybe I rushed, maybe I had pushed to hard, but somehow everything that I had worked my ass for wasn’t enough to truly keep me happy. Maybe it was time to fight for my son, maybe I shouldn’t push to hard, but my gut was telling my to keep moving forward and try to get my son back full time. The next few weeks I dedicated to showing everyone that my life was back on track, and I could handle the responsibility. No matter how hard I worked; people see me as someone who fell down and can’t believe that I actually did it. Sometimes they hope I never recover, and that’s the scary part. People who once believed in me, the people I would do anything for, or those who I was seeking approval from refused to believe that I did it….

Adulting is hard…

Some days I wish I could revert back to be 10 riding bikes with my friends, tying up the phone lines with 3 ways calls, and trying to make it home before the street lights came on. But instead I’m 25, attempting to figure my life out, pay bills, have a social life and maintain my sanity. I know I’m not the first one to ever deal with his, or try to figure it out just sucks.I want to head back to the days where my parents made my doctors appointment, yell at my mechanic. But since reality has set in, I got my certificate in Social Media Management, working my tail off over 40 hours a week. Plus come home do more work on my own dreams. Feeling like there’s never enough hours in a day or even a week to achieve every dream or goal I set upon myself. 
But I put my big girl panties in and keep it moving because there’s no room for failure or pity parties where I’m from. 

Where it all began..

Lately, I’ve been thinking of where it all started, where the magnet to drama and bad energy all came from. 

I can remember she told my dad to move out, moved us into a new house farther away from everything. The weekend was full of unpacking my room, re painting my room and organizing what began as our new life. She woke me up early to show me how to do laundry so I can be a big girl, I mean what 9 year old didn’t want to feel grown up doing their own laundry. For lunch she let me use the stove all by myself and showed me how to boil pasta. I felt like such an adult, cooking my own lunch doing my own laundry. What else could she possibly do to make this weekend any better? After she showed my me how to open e can of tomato sauce, and stir it in. We sat together at the table, and she rubbed my face telling me how sweet and grown up I was, enjoying the sad little lunch I made for us. She then proceeded to tell me she had to get ready because she was going away, and will be back soon. One night turned into two, random men picking me up and dropping me off to school. My mother really taught me how to be an adult… just to leave me. After about a week ago, my dad caught wind that she had disappeared and I started staying with him more.

2 years later, once a month visit, she picked me up and said she’s taking me away to start a new life in Atlanta. But don’t tell daddy.

Atlanta was god awful, she did her usual, gone for weeks at a time. I was getting into fights because everyone kept picking on me. I guess she finally had enough when she called my dad in front of me saying ,”if you don’t come get her… foster care will. Remember I never wanted any kids, you did” .

I guess that’s where it all truly started. A mother who put up with the child she never really wanted. She wanted to keep the man but not do any of the dirty work. But here I am 25 years old, getting my life together one day at a time. I may not be the person she wanted, but I’m here doing the best I possibly can. 

Dating in 2017

Is anyone out there as confused as I am when it comes to this new generation of dating? My list of dating is probably pretty awful, from people I went to school with, to friends setting me up with guys they know to co-workers. But all usually have failed. My longest relationship was with my son’s father who I truly believed I’d be spending the rest of my life with. I believed in him so much to the point where we secretly ran off and got married. But this new age of dating and social media lead to many insecurities within him, and myself and ultimately leading to our divorce. 

Things aren’t how they used to be… there’s no privacy anymore, because all people wanna do is show off who they’re with and how they’re life is better than others. People don’t meet in bars or other normal places, now you usually meet on Facebook or Instagram and then soon enough you’re a couple before he even took you on a real date. I’m pretty old school when it comes to dating, and I can’t really understand just jumping into something just to show off. This can’t be what dating is supposed to continue to be in years to come. My biggest pet peeve is when I’m being ignored for their phone, like I get it I’m always in my phone too, but I wanna enjoy each other’s company, I wanna enjoy you. But most don’t see it like that, they’re usually totally into whatever they have going on, and you’ll come after once they’re finished. 

But hey, that’s me. So besides barely having any friends I’ll probably be single forever. 

*sigh*

The Circle Of Life

First off let me apologize for not updating earlier this week, but I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since I’ve posted my last update. So let me begin,

This past weekend has a whirlwind of emotions. Saturday I lost my Uncle Keith (my dad’s big brother), he and I were very close but when I began my struggle last year, he was one of those people who were cut off. My dad picked me up from work on Saturday as a kind gesture but only to gut punch me with the news. “I have some bad news. No, Raquel really bad news. *Pause* Your Uncle Keith passed extremely unexpectedly. I’m so sorry, I knew you two were very close. I’m so sorry.” It felt like this was some sort sick joke. I had spoken to him a few days ago, he was coming up to visit for my little Cousin R’s baby shower, that he was so excited that I came out of hiding and wanted to help me anyway possible. 

“Raquel, I just want to see you succeed. You’re beautiful and intelligent. You’re capable of changing the world…”

-Uncle Keith’s last conversation with me…

The more I thought about our last conversation, the more I’m torn up that I lost someone who someone who truly believed in me, regardless of how many times I screwed up. Here was my uncle willing to bet his last dollar on me becoming successful. If this wasn’t a gut punch of a reality check to stay close with those I love; who knows what will. R’s baby shower is rapidly approaching, and I want this sweet baby to know she will always be loved, no matter how many times she screws up.

To my Uncle Keith, I promise to be all you dreamed of me to be, and I promise R’s baby will know you’ll be watching over her, keeping her safe.

Mommy… Where Are you?

Mother – (n) The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else — Urban Dictionary.

But that can’t possibly be me. After 2016 swallowed up my life and spit it out, I was left with nothing. I chose to ask my son’s father to become the primary parent because I felt as though I couldn’t give my son the stability he needed to live a great life. Almost a year later I regret it, because I miss the daily routine of getting him dressed for school, picking him up and the simple fact of having him all the time. But logically speaking I made the best possible decision for my son. I spent an extended period of time being homeless, only owning 2 pairs of underwear, a dress and my work uniform. Dragging a 3 soon to be 4year old through that wouldn’t be fair. When I was pregnant I made a promise to my son to give him a childhood he wouldn’t have to recover from. But almost everyday for the first 3 months I cried myself to sleep missing him. This is an extremely sensitive subject for almost anyone, especially me with it all just happening. For mother’s it feels like the one thing  we’re supposed to be good at, is the one thing we’ve failed at. But how am I supposed to take raise a child when I can barely make sure that I have enough money to eat or live. This badge I wear is the one I one that carry’s the most shame because this sweet little boy has a fucked up shit show for a mother. This post isn’t about how I have failed him or that I cannot give him a perfect life. This is about me getting my life together, so that one day he’s proud of me.
-For all mothers who are going through a similar situation feel free to comment or email me for support. 

Wait… What happens in 20 Years?

Getting together with women who are 20+ years older than me was seeing what my life could possibly be like if I don’t get my shit together. Don’t get me wrong, the women who I spent time with last night were from 3 completely different  angles on the spectrum.

  • One has worked an extremely well paying job traveling the world, eventually getting laid off. With no college degree she’s attempting to get her life back on track after spending 6 months on unemployment. The process of getting her life back together is taking longer than planned, but like me is still struggling to find a place where she can feel comfortable and become successful..
  • Another has worked all her life, but has has now played the system to get both SSI and Disability checks. The fact that she can live the life she wants along with not having to work, somehow makes the money from the system stretch. 
  • The last has never attended college and works a bare minimum salaried job, slaving for places, hoping the white man her boss will see her experience can trump any amount of education needed to get the job done.

Me? I’m the 25 year old sitting in the corner observing these women laugh about the good and bad, men who’ve come and gone, and where they wish life would’ve taken them.

Is this real? Don’t get me wrong I love the sisterhood, laughs over great wine with my friends at someone’s home. But I don’t want to be looking back with regret about what I should’ve done in my 20s and the chances I should’ve taken when I had the chance. I want to take trips with my friends and laugh about our stupid husbands. Not look back with regret about what didn’t happen and how I ended up. 
But first I need some friends for all this to happen.. Any takers?